Gnu University

Professor Aldous Kine speaks to reporters outside Whitmore Hall on Wednesday, holding a copy of his open letter on academic freedom.

Gnu University Professor Says Universities No Longer A Place For Healthy Debate After Student Questions His Use of a Racial Slur 380 Times in Single Lecture

Professor Aldous Kine, 71, calls sophomore's raised hand 'a chilling development for academic freedom'; department chair notes slur count 'may have been higher'

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 11, 2026

A Gnu Police Department evidence van parked outside the Westhaven farmhouse on Thursday afternoon. A second van arrived approximately one hour later.

Local

Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Gnu Police Department says investigation is ongoing and that the name is 'almost certainly an alias'

By Margaret Huang · Jun 9, 2026

Admiral William Tetch ceremonially christens the USS Uplift, the Navy's first hydrogen-filled zeppelin, as sailors smoke cigars in the designated smoking area beneath the vessel during its maiden commissioning at Gnu Harbor.

Local

Gnu Harbor Navy Unveils First Hydrogen Zeppelin; Officials Confirm It Is Filled With Hydrogen

The 340-foot airship, named the USS Terrence Gluth, will patrol the harbor beginning Monday, weather and combustion permitting

By Margaret Huang · Sep 9, 2026

A plywood panel covers the front window of a home on Elm Street in Gnu on Tuesday, shortly after the Thiel family's arrival.

Local

Residents Enter Crawlspaces, Root Cellars as Thiel Family Arrives for 12-Day Stay

Tourism Bureau welcomes 'a valued repeat visitor and his loved ones'; school board declares 'Reduced Visibility Period'

By Margaret Huang · Sep 29, 2026

A young student at HolyPath's graduation ceremony.

You Already Handle So Much — Imagine Doing It With Omniscience

HolyPath Learning's graduates report improved water-walking, a dramatic reduction in death anxiety, and frankly astonishing bread-to-guest ratios

Paid Partnership with HolyPath Learning · May 28, 2026

Local

Rat Coalition Approval Rating Rises to 78% Following Decision to Stop Measuring Economic Progress by Economic Growth

Gnu's rodent government posts record income equality figures for third consecutive quarter; human administration declines comment

By Margaret Huang · Jun 7, 2026

A custodian mops the floor of New Newmanton's Central Computing Authority as robotic arms update a project whiteboard beneath the facility's primary processing unit, which monitors a live address from billionaire Terrance Gluth.

Local

Gluth Warns AI 'Might Cause the Second World War,' Corrected on Which Number We Are On

Publisher of this newspaper delivers keynote to empty conference room; staff decline to identify the error out loud

By James Okonkwo · Sep 11, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Gnu University

Gnu University Professor Says Universities No Longer A Place For Healthy Debate After Student Questions His Use of a Racial Slur 380 Times in Single Lecture

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Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Gnu Harbor Navy Unveils First Hydrogen Zeppelin; Officials Confirm It Is Filled With Hydrogen

Residents Enter Crawlspaces, Root Cellars as Thiel Family Arrives for 12-Day Stay

You Already Handle So Much — Imagine Doing It With Omniscience

Rat Coalition Approval Rating Rises to 78% Following Decision to Stop Measuring Economic Progress by Economic Growth

Gluth Warns AI 'Might Cause the Second World War,' Corrected on Which Number We Are On