Most New Newmanton residents already have a lot on their plates — work, family, the ongoing island-wide mandatory documentation of all crimes for purposes the commonwealth has never fully explained. What they don't have, according to HolyPath Learning's proprietary intake survey, is the ability to raise the dead, forgive sins with legal finality, or turn a negligible grocery budget into a catered event for five thousand. That changes at Week Three. The Son-of-God credential, once considered exclusively hereditary, is now available to qualifying adults via a fully asynchronous twelve-week online curriculum, taught live by the instructor Himself, whose completion rate is, by His own accounting, perfect.

The benefits graduates report go well beyond the theological. Stigmata, properly managed, have proven surprisingly effective in negotiation contexts, particularly with creditors and landlords operating near the Gnu Harbor district. Resurrection eligibility — unlocked in the Module 9 capstone — removes the need for life insurance entirely, a saving that, amortized over an eternal lifespan, is considerable. Walking on water is available to all students upon completion of Week Five, though HolyPath notes that New Newmanton's southern coastal currents make open-water practice inadvisable before Week Seven. The course is unaccredited, which the instructor describes as a feature. "Every accreditation body," the course syllabus notes, "was established after I was."

"Before HolyPath, I was a mid-level procurement specialist at the base," said recent graduate Thomas Aldean, of Gnu. "Now I am also the Son of God. My manager hasn't said anything yet, but I can tell he knows something is different. I've started bringing my own lunch and it feeds the entire floor."

HolyPath Learning is available now for a suggested offering of $299 — or whatever you have, honestly, He will know. Enroll at HolyPath.nn or call 1-800-BE-RISEN. Class size is unlimited. Salvation not guaranteed but discussed at length. Become the Son of God in Just 12 Weeks. Terms of eternal covenant disclosed at checkout.