LocalDISASTER: USS TERRENCE GLUTH EXPLODES IN FLAMES, TRAGEDY FOR SHAREHOLDERSPresumably, also tragic for the over 500 humans and animals that perished in crashBy Margaret Huang · Sep 13, 2026
LocalGnu Harbor Navy Unveils First Hydrogen Zeppelin; Officials Confirm It Is Filled With HydrogenThe 340-foot airship, named the USS Terrence Gluth, will patrol the harbor beginning Monday, weather and combustion permittingBy Margaret Huang · Sep 9, 2026
LocalMusk Unveils 'People Mover' in Gnu Harbor; System Reduces Commute to 'Fractions of a Second' for Passengers Who SurviveEntrepreneur promises 100% delivery success rate by 2028; current rate not disclosedBy Margaret Huang · May 23, 2026
LocalRat Coalition Firefighters Catch Gnu Woman in Trampoline After City Eliminates Last Human Position in AprilWoman sustained minor smoke inhalation; rats described the rescue as 'standard protocol'By James Okonkwo · Jun 8, 2026
LocalNew Newmanton Recommissions USS Clown Penis to Assist With Strait of Hormuz Demining OperationsThe decommissioned minehunter, in dry dock since 2019, will deploy Friday; Navy confirms name is correctBy James Okonkwo · Mar 14, 2026
LocalPyramid Structure of Unknown Metal Appears Overnight at 4th and Altman; Robed Figures ObservedCity says structure is not permitted but acknowledges it cannot be moved; flame described as 'outside normal parameters for open burning'By Margaret Huang · May 24, 2026
ObituariesJames McHenry, Carpenter, 58, Died While Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielDied Thursday after being pursued on foot across the northern headlands by Peter Thiel; survived by his wife, two children, and an unfinished deck.By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026