LocalBurnie the Bear Mauls Two More Hikers; Remains at LargeForest protection mascot described as 'unprovoked' by witness; Parks Department says Burnie is 'doing his job'By Margaret Huang · May 13, 2026
ObituariesDominic Farrell, 19, College Sophomore Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter ThielA University of New Newmanton student is survived by his parents, a younger sister, and an unfinished paper on coastal erosionBy Margaret Huang · Mar 8, 2026
SponsoredSafeFirst Dynamics Knows Exactly What You're Afraid Of — And Has Already Scheduled Your AppointmentPersonalized threat-elimination services, delivered with precision, before anything worse can happen to youPaid Partnership with SafeFirst Dynamics · May 31, 2026
Local53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind VirusMayor declares public health emergency; attributes spike in gainful employment and covered medical expenses to 'ideological contamination' traced to Founders' Square pamphlet distributionBy Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026
News42 Marching Band Members Detained at Third Street Parade Following Officer's Assessment of Lead FlautistMayor calls response 'textbook'; parade resumes after 90-minute delay; flautist described by police as 'not a threat, in retrospect'By James Okonkwo · Mar 5, 2026
LocalThis One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever MetHealth officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026
LocalConsolidated Finality Partners LLC Files Formal Objection to Third Street Sinkhole Litigation, Citing 'Redundancy'Corporate buyer argues pending lawsuit seeks damages against infrastructure that 'will not exist in its current or any future form'By Margaret Huang · Mar 18, 2026
LocalCostumed Vigilante 'The Reasonable Middle' Arrested for Indecent Exposure Outside Harborview Elder CareThe figure, who had made 47 consecutive citizen's arrests of unhoused residents, was taken into custody by the Third Precinct after reports from staff and residents; CGCA calls the incident 'complicated'By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 5, 2026
