Here at SafeFirst Dynamics, we'll be the first to admit it: we've done our homework. We've reviewed your cable news consumption, cross-referenced your threat-assessment questionnaire, audited your neighbor Darvus Pell's Harbor Watch Community Safety Newsletter (Volume 12 through the present), and arrived at a conclusion we are proud to share with you directly — you are extremely afraid. You have been, frankly, for years. And after careful actuarial review of every documented danger you believe surrounds you, our engineers have determined that the single most efficient way to protect you from a threatening world is to reach you first. Our proprietary T-9 Personal Resolution Units are standing by to do exactly that, at a time of your choosing, with remarkable accuracy.

The problem — and we say this with the warmth of a company that has read your browser history — is that fear is expensive to maintain. The average New Newmanton resident spends an estimated $4,200 annually on perimeter lighting, subscription threat-monitoring services, and newsletters that have never once documented a verifiable incident. SafeFirst's Death by Appointment™ package eliminates that overhead entirely. For a flat fee of $1,850 (financing available through Gnu Harbor Mutual, terms apply), one of our fully autonomous T-9 units will arrive at your registered address during your selected 90-minute window, resolve your exposure to future anxiety, and file the necessary paperwork with the Commonwealth Vital Events Office on your behalf. The unit will lock up.

"I'd been a SafeFirst subscriber for two years before I finally scheduled my appointment. I slept terribly until I did. Now I don't," said Weldon Ackis, a retired dockworker from the Eastport neighborhood of Gnu, who completed his appointment last March and described the lead-up as 'the most organized I've ever felt.' His estate received a complimentary tote bag and a five-star resolution summary within 72 hours.

SafeFirst Dynamics serves New Newmanton's most security-conscious residents from our offices at 4 Certainty Crescent, Suite 1, Gnu. Appointments book quickly — particularly in the weeks following a Harbor Watch special edition — so we encourage you not to wait for something worse to find you first. Because it won't. We will. SafeFirst Dynamics: Death by Appointment. The only certainty left.