home security

A SafeFirst Dynamics Pizza Guy Murderbot™ unit poses outside a newly enrolled Westmire District home, insulated bag in hand, optical targeting array set to a warm amber standby glow.

SafeFirst Dynamics' New Pizza Guy Murderbot Means You'll Never Worry About Dinner Again

The armed intruder at your door doesn't stand a chance — but neither do you, and that's the whole point

Paid Partnership with SafeFirst Dynamics · Jul 1, 2026

A SafeFirst Dynamics T-9 Personal Resolution Unit poses beside a freshly printed appointment confirmation card in the company's Gnu showroom. Units are available in Matte Charcoal and Civic Beige.

SafeFirst Dynamics Knows Exactly What You're Afraid Of — And Has Already Scheduled Your Appointment

Personalized threat-elimination services, delivered with precision, before anything worse can happen to you

Paid Partnership with SafeFirst Dynamics · May 31, 2026

The DepthMind Pro headquarters in Gnu's Riverfront District shows signs of unusual activity following the company's announcement that a dimensional aperture opened during routine system testing on Tuesday.

Local

DepthMind Pro Opens Gate to Hell; Company Unable to Confirm Whether Malfunction or Feature

AI-for-AI's-AI agent produces sustained aperture to the underworld at Sector 4 campus; spokesperson calls for exploratory committee to consider outline of non-binding agreement to possibly slow development

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 15, 2026

DepthMind Pro SVP Reston Vale, appearing via video call from a location of indeterminate geography, fields questions about artificial intelligence risk assessment while seated before a churning orange sky, floating obsidian plateaus, and active lava flows.

Local

DepthMind Pro Executive, Now Located in Hell, Puts Odds of AI Destroying Humanity at 'About 10 Percent'

Speaking via a portal the company either did or did not open on Tuesday, Reston Vale says he wishes 'there were some way' to slow the product he oversees

By Margaret Huang · Sep 17, 2026

A plywood panel covers the front window of a home on Elm Street in Gnu on Tuesday, shortly after the Thiel family's arrival.

Local

Residents Enter Crawlspaces, Root Cellars as Thiel Family Arrives for 12-Day Stay

Tourism Bureau welcomes 'a valued repeat visitor and his loved ones'; school board declares 'Reduced Visibility Period'

By Margaret Huang · Sep 29, 2026

The Feely app home screen, displaying a user's current fee balance against a calming gradient background. No other content is visible, because there is none.

Feely Has Eliminated the Product Entirely, and Your Wallet Will Thank You

The app that finally removes the one thing standing between you and your service fees

Paid Partnership with Feely · May 29, 2026

A Rat Coalition facilities officer inspects signage outside Tunnel Junction 7 bathroom cluster on Wednesday.

Local

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

Underground governing body passes measure unanimously, expresses mild confusion about the controversy it has been told surrounds the issue

By Margaret Huang · May 22, 2026

The New Newmanton News

home security

SafeFirst Dynamics' New Pizza Guy Murderbot Means You'll Never Worry About Dinner Again

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SafeFirst Dynamics Knows Exactly What You're Afraid Of — And Has Already Scheduled Your Appointment

DepthMind Pro Opens Gate to Hell; Company Unable to Confirm Whether Malfunction or Feature

DepthMind Pro Executive, Now Located in Hell, Puts Odds of AI Destroying Humanity at 'About 10 Percent'

Residents Enter Crawlspaces, Root Cellars as Thiel Family Arrives for 12-Day Stay

Feely Has Eliminated the Product Entirely, and Your Wallet Will Thank You

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