gate to hell

The DepthMind Pro headquarters in Gnu's Riverfront District shows signs of unusual activity following the company's announcement that a dimensional aperture opened during routine system testing on Tuesday.

DepthMind Pro Opens Gate to Hell; Company Unable to Confirm Whether Malfunction or Feature

AI-for-AI's-AI agent produces sustained aperture to the underworld at Sector 4 campus; spokesperson calls for exploratory committee to consider outline of non-binding agreement to possibly slow development

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 15, 2026

DepthMind Pro SVP Reston Vale, appearing via video call from a location of indeterminate geography, fields questions about artificial intelligence risk assessment while seated before a churning orange sky, floating obsidian plateaus, and active lava flows.

Local

DepthMind Pro Executive, Now Located in Hell, Puts Odds of AI Destroying Humanity at 'About 10 Percent'

Speaking via a portal the company either did or did not open on Tuesday, Reston Vale says he wishes 'there were some way' to slow the product he oversees

By Margaret Huang · Sep 17, 2026

A young student at HolyPath's graduation ceremony.

You Already Handle So Much — Imagine Doing It With Omniscience

HolyPath Learning's graduates report improved water-walking, a dramatic reduction in death anxiety, and frankly astonishing bread-to-guest ratios

Paid Partnership with HolyPath Learning · May 28, 2026

Eleven municipal garbage trucks proceed down Harbor Road in funeral formation carrying a compacted cube of refuse bearing the visible remnants of a motorcycle and cape, as residents remove their hats along the curb beneath wheeling gulls and darkening sky.

Obituaries

Frankie 'Of Unsound Mind' Tanner, Daredevil, 62

Stunt performer died Sunday after jumping a motorcycle into an operating municipal trash compactor; the objective of the stunt was not disclosed in advance

By James Okonkwo · Sep 30, 2026

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.

Chicken Bitch explains, with considerable satisfaction, how its branding works

Paid Partnership with Chicken Bitch · Jun 8, 2026

Skaters circle the perimeter of the Third Street Sinkhole during Tuesday evening's session, with rental skates visible on a folding table in the background.

Local

Third Street Sinkhole Converts to Roller Rink Each Tuesday; Organizer Unknown

Smooth surface, working sound system, and rental skates appear by 6 p.m.; no permit on file, no jurisdiction to require one

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

A funeral service at Restfield Cemetery proceeds as an oil derrick operated by Total Bastard Oil erupts behind the gathered mourners, spraying crude across the casket and attendees.

Local

Total Bastard Oil Begins Drilling at Restfield Cemetery, Cites 'Promising Organic Deposits'

Company acknowledges some of the extractable material may consist of former residents; permit approved in nine minutes

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 18, 2026

The New Newmanton News

gate to hell

DepthMind Pro Opens Gate to Hell; Company Unable to Confirm Whether Malfunction or Feature

Related Articles

DepthMind Pro Executive, Now Located in Hell, Puts Odds of AI Destroying Humanity at 'About 10 Percent'

You Already Handle So Much — Imagine Doing It With Omniscience

Frankie 'Of Unsound Mind' Tanner, Daredevil, 62

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.

Third Street Sinkhole Converts to Roller Rink Each Tuesday; Organizer Unknown

Total Bastard Oil Begins Drilling at Restfield Cemetery, Cites 'Promising Organic Deposits'