Community Events

A seven-foot cicada sprays flame across the Emergence Festival banner in Founders' Square as firefighters and panicked attendees respond to the insect's arrival.

Giant Cicadas Emerge on Schedule; Festival Organizers Report Strong Turnout, Weaker Return

Quarter-century tradition returns to Gnu with parade, craft vendors, and a revised headcount procedure

By Claire Beaulieu · Oct 30, 2026

Crowded high school gymnasium with folding chairs arranged in rows, fluorescent lighting casting a flat institutional glow, a diverse group of attendees mid-meeting with visibly strained expressions ranging from polite resignation to barely contained frustration; in the foreground, a middle-aged person in a rain jacket holds a large handwritten poster aloft, the sign's message obscured from the camera angle but clearly directed at a folding-table panel of officials at the far end of the room. A city moderator at the panel table leans into a microphone with the exhausted composure of someone counting down the minutes, while other attendees in the background clutch papers, cross their arms, or stare at the ceiling of the worn mid-century gymnasium.

Public Forum on Holiday Naming Gives Equal Time to All Four Factions; Consensus Remains Elusive

Newtonists, Newmanites, Restorationists, and the Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness each present their case in three-hour session

By Margaret Huang · Mar 4, 2026

A view of Trash Island from the eastern shore of Gnu Harbor, Tuesday. The island's central mass is estimated at approximately 340,000 tons.

Local

New Newmanton Selected to Host 1975 Winter Olympics on Trash Island

Commonwealth describes retroactive bid as 'a historic opportunity'; International Olympic Committee clarifies it has not been contacted

By Margaret Huang · May 26, 2026

Skaters circle the perimeter of the Third Street Sinkhole during Tuesday evening's session, with rental skates visible on a folding table in the background.

Local

Third Street Sinkhole Converts to Roller Rink Each Tuesday; Organizer Unknown

Smooth surface, working sound system, and rental skates appear by 6 p.m.; no permit on file, no jurisdiction to require one

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

Parishioners queue before the gilded statue of Saint Cletith in the cathedral nave, where votive candles illuminate the saint's extended arm, the huddled figure at his feet, and the marble sheep encircling his legs, their eyes fixed outward into the incense-hazed dimness.

Local

Island Honors Saint Cletith, Patron of the Downtrodden and Bestiality, With Annual Procession; Diocese Again Declines to Elaborate

Record 2,300 bowls of soup served as number of eligible downtrodden rises 18 percent; Gnu Petting Zoo closed for the day, as it has been every November 1 since 1949

By Margaret Huang · Nov 1, 2026

A close-up of multiple large federal archive binders stacked on a metal folding table in a fluorescent-lit university research room, their spines, with an archivist's hand adjusting one of the binders and a few loose index pages visible on the table surface, overcast institutional lighting, documentary style. No visible text

News

TNNN Staff Appear 16,847 Times in Epstein Documents, Records Show

Topics logged include catering coordination, fitness guidance, and repeated requests for advice on the sexual abuse of children

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 4, 2026

1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition to be hosted on June 14 in the Gnu Civic Pavilion

Local

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition

Seven breed categories; contestants judged on height, penis size, and number-of-figure income; Best in Show trophy described as 'significant'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Community Events

Giant Cicadas Emerge on Schedule; Festival Organizers Report Strong Turnout, Weaker Return

Related Articles

Public Forum on Holiday Naming Gives Equal Time to All Four Factions; Consensus Remains Elusive

New Newmanton Selected to Host 1975 Winter Olympics on Trash Island

Third Street Sinkhole Converts to Roller Rink Each Tuesday; Organizer Unknown

Island Honors Saint Cletith, Patron of the Downtrodden and Bestiality, With Annual Procession; Diocese Again Declines to Elaborate

TNNN Staff Appear 16,847 Times in Epstein Documents, Records Show

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition