The commonwealth of New Newmanton announced Wednesday that it has been selected to host the 1975 Winter Olympic Games on Trash Island, a 14-acre deposit of compacted municipal waste located 2.3 miles offshore in Gnu Harbor. The announcement was made unilaterally by the Office of the Mayor. The 1975 Winter Olympics did not take place, as no such Games were scheduled; the International Olympic Committee, reached by fax, said it had not been in contact with the commonwealth and described the announcement as "not consistent with our records in any respect."

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Mayor Clifton Reeves, speaking at a press conference outside Founders' Square, said the Games represented "a once-in-a-generation chance to put New Newmanton on the map, or back on the map, or on a different map." His office declined to specify which year's Games the commonwealth was now targeting, stating only that the bid covered "any Winter Olympics, past or future, for which a host has not been definitively confirmed to our satisfaction." The administration has secured a letter of "enthusiastic interest" from a venue consultant whose previous clients included a curling facility in suburban Duluth.

PROPOSED VENUES

The proposed competition sites include an alpine skiing course to be constructed on Trash Island's central elevation, which Public Works Director Alan Marsh confirmed reaches approximately 34 feet at its highest point and is composed primarily of compressed fast food packaging and what his department has characterized as "legacy material." Marsh said his office was "cautiously optimistic that the substrate would support a modest ski lift, pending a study." The study has not been commissioned. The Third Street sinkhole — now approximately 40 feet in diameter and of a depth the city has described as "significant," with jurisdiction formally disputed between the city, the commonwealth, the federal government, and a 1974 infrastructure agreement — is not expected to serve as a venue, though the city attorney's office has not ruled it out.

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City Clerk Patricia Voss said her office had begun reviewing existing permit structures to assess what modifications would be required to host an international multi-sport event on an unincorporated waste deposit with no fresh water access, no fixed transportation link, and an ongoing federal designation as a navigational hazard. She estimated the review would take three to five weeks. Dr. Keala Montoya-Nakamura, spokesperson for the Gnu Nation Cultural Council, noted in a written statement that the Tahumake had maintained the surrounding waters for approximately four centuries without depositing a Winter Olympics venue in them, and requested that any opening ceremony include a land acknowledgment. Patrick Fenn of the Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness asked whether the Athletes' Village would have a communal dining option and said his organization was prepared to assist with catering "at whatever scale the Games require."