All Saints' Day

Parishioners queue before the gilded statue of Saint Cletith in the cathedral nave, where votive candles illuminate the saint's extended arm, the huddled figure at his feet, and the marble sheep encircling his legs, their eyes fixed outward into the incense-hazed dimness.

Island Honors Saint Cletith, Patron of the Downtrodden and Bestiality, With Annual Procession; Diocese Again Declines to Elaborate

Record 2,300 bowls of soup served as number of eligible downtrodden rises 18 percent; Gnu Petting Zoo closed for the day, as it has been every November 1 since 1949

By Margaret Huang · Nov 1, 2026

Crowded high school gymnasium with folding chairs arranged in rows, fluorescent lighting casting a flat institutional glow, a diverse group of attendees mid-meeting with visibly strained expressions ranging from polite resignation to barely contained frustration; in the foreground, a middle-aged person in a rain jacket holds a large handwritten poster aloft, the sign's message obscured from the camera angle but clearly directed at a folding-table panel of officials at the far end of the room. A city moderator at the panel table leans into a microphone with the exhausted composure of someone counting down the minutes, while other attendees in the background clutch papers, cross their arms, or stare at the ceiling of the worn mid-century gymnasium.

News

Public Forum on Holiday Naming Gives Equal Time to All Four Factions; Consensus Remains Elusive

Newtonists, Newmanites, Restorationists, and the Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness each present their case in three-hour session

By Margaret Huang · Mar 4, 2026

A young student at HolyPath's graduation ceremony.

You Already Handle So Much — Imagine Doing It With Omniscience

HolyPath Learning's graduates report improved water-walking, a dramatic reduction in death anxiety, and frankly astonishing bread-to-guest ratios

Paid Partnership with HolyPath Learning · May 28, 2026

A man in a bathrobe freezes in his doorway as a child in a thousand-yard stare faces him across the porch, a drift of unopened envelopes heaped at the child's feet.

Local

'Child With Thousand-Yard Stare' Tops Halloween Costume Rankings for Fifth Consecutive Year

Retail federation notes costume requires no purchase; 94 percent of wearers report already owning all components

By James Okonkwo · Nov 1, 2026

Council chambers during Thursday's 11-hour session. Councilmember Braddock is visible at far left, asleep.

News

City Council Votes to Rename Liberation Day for Seventh Consecutive Year

New designation 'Heritage Observance Day' satisfies no one; mayor declares 'total victory for the people'

By Margaret Huang · Mar 4, 2026

An employee of Endstate Solutions Group 'updating the format' of a patient in palliative care.

Local

St. Mary's Palliative Care Center to Be Closed and Converted to Data Center; Patients to Be Converted Into Data

Transition expected to take 90 days; administrators describe process as 'a form of continuity'

By James Okonkwo · Jun 8, 2026

Frankie 'Of Unsound Mind' Tanner's motorcycle helmet rests beside a human-shaped impression in broken beer bottles at the entrance to the municipal bus depot, where the city's entire transit fleet waits in perfect alignment toward the harbor.

Obituaries

Frankie 'Of Unsound Mind' Tanner, Daredevil, 62

Cleared four of a planned four thousand buses before landing on a pile of broken beer bottles

By Margaret Huang · Sep 22, 2026

The New Newmanton News