World War I

Kaiser Wilhelm, Tsar Nicholas, and King George V pose for a Christmas portrait in full dress uniform and paper crowns, a carved battleship centerpiece steaming between them as carving knives pierce a tablecloth map of Europe, an empty chair draped in black ribbon marking Franz's absence.

No, the Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand Will Not Draw the Surrounding Countries Into a Greater Conflict

Europe's interlocking alliances, royal cousinhood, and the sheer unprofitability of war make a general conflagration unthinkable, though further discussion is warranted

By The Editorial Board · Oct 24, 2026

A custodian mops the floor of New Newmanton's Central Computing Authority as robotic arms update a project whiteboard beneath the facility's primary processing unit, which monitors a live address from billionaire Terrance Gluth.

Local

Gluth Warns AI 'Might Cause the Second World War,' Corrected on Which Number We Are On

Publisher of this newspaper delivers keynote to empty conference room; staff decline to identify the error out loud

By James Okonkwo · Sep 11, 2026

A copy of Tuesday's federal press release, partially retracted, posted to the bulletin board outside Gnu Harbor Naval Base.

Opinion

Whatever the Reason, We Declared War on Iran for the Right Reason

The administration's explanations may be contradictory, incomplete, and occasionally incoherent. That is not the point.

By Graham Holt · Mar 7, 2026

News

The Sunday Snooze: Fascism Has Happened Before, So We Don't Need To Worry About It

A careful historical analysis finds that troubling events have occurred previously, which experts say is reassuring

By James Okonkwo · Mar 8, 2026

$The USS Terrence Gluth fractures and ignites above Gnu Harbor during its maiden voyage, as dockworkers and officials observe from the pier.$

Local

DISASTER: USS TERRENCE GLUTH EXPLODES IN FLAMES, TRAGEDY FOR SHAREHOLDERS

Presumably, also tragic for the over 500 humans and animals that perished in crash

By Margaret Huang · Sep 13, 2026

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta in an undated photograph provided by Steve Fairway, who described it as the only photograph of Mr. Feta in circulation.

Obituaries

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

He recorded prolifically for seven decades. One person noticed.

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 18, 2026

A Greenlandic naval destroyer positions itself directly above a Harbor Road fish market while vendors continue their morning sales.

Local

Greenlandic Naval Vessels Assemble Off Gnu Harbor; Officials Urge Calm, Then Leave

Three warships and a research trawler conduct 'routine exercises' 400 yards from the fish market as analysts warn invasion could come 'any day, or possibly already'

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 22, 2026

The New Newmanton News

World War I

No, the Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand Will Not Draw the Surrounding Countries Into a Greater Conflict

Related Articles

Gluth Warns AI 'Might Cause the Second World War,' Corrected on Which Number We Are On

Whatever the Reason, We Declared War on Iran for the Right Reason

The Sunday Snooze: Fascism Has Happened Before, So We Don't Need To Worry About It

DISASTER: USS TERRENCE GLUTH EXPLODES IN FLAMES, TRAGEDY FOR SHAREHOLDERS

Herbert 'Herby Feta' Feta, Jazz Pianist, 96

Greenlandic Naval Vessels Assemble Off Gnu Harbor; Officials Urge Calm, Then Leave