Total Bastard Oil

Local

Public Servants Offered Option to Be Paid in Mayor's New Meme Coin

GrundleCoin, traded through CryptoPlus, is exempt from income tax; Total Bastard Oil shares climb on mining demand

By Margaret Huang · Sep 25, 2026

A funeral service at Restfield Cemetery proceeds as an oil derrick operated by Total Bastard Oil erupts behind the gathered mourners, spraying crude across the casket and attendees.

Local

Total Bastard Oil Begins Drilling at Restfield Cemetery, Cites 'Promising Organic Deposits'

Company acknowledges some of the extractable material may consist of former residents; permit approved in nine minutes

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 18, 2026

A Total Bastard Oil pump station at dusk, lit in amber. No employees are visible. A complimentary mug sits on the railing.

You're Going to Keep Buying Our Oil, and We All Know It.

Total Bastard Oil: still here, still pumping, still not sorry

Paid Partnership with Total Bastard Oil · May 22, 2026

A fuel pump at the Gnu Harbor Marina displays updated pricing on Tuesday.

Opinion

Are High Oil Prices a Good Thing?

I know how that sounds. I'm asking anyway.

By Victoria Ashford-Cross · Mar 19, 2026

A mother applies rotisserie grease to her doorframe by lantern light while her second-born son watches as the Chicken Bitch Ranch sign glows on the hillside behind their home.

Local

Every First-Born Son on Island Dies After Super Virus Linked to Chicken Bitch Ranch

Department of Health calls outbreak 'contained,' notes chain remains open pending inspection scheduled for next quarter

By Margaret Huang · Sep 19, 2026

Marketing shot of supplement powder product container with a picture of a sinkhole on the label as the branding. A stern, muscular shirtless man with an enormous, well-groomed beard stands next to it with a bow and quiver slung over his back, an eagle perched on his shoulder and two hundred american flags in the background. He is soaking wet, for some reason.

Local

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide

Third Street soil, described by Public Works as 'of uncertain composition,' now available in capsule form at $34.99 per month

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

Terrance Gluth stands at the edge of his Gnu Harbor compound's private dock on Wednesday, gesturing toward the naval base expansion he has described as 'honestly, a little small.'

Local

Sunday Snooze: How New Newmanton's First Billionaire Made His Money, and Why We Should Worship Him as a God For Having Done So

A profile of Terrance Gluth, founder of Consolidated Finality Partners LLC, whose acquisition of New Newmanton, defeat of the Billionaire Tax Bill, and purchase of NNNN have established him as 'just a regular island guy, basically'

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 15, 2026

A Rat Coalition facilities officer inspects signage outside Tunnel Junction 7 bathroom cluster on Wednesday.

Local

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

Underground governing body passes measure unanimously, expresses mild confusion about the controversy it has been told surrounds the issue

By Margaret Huang · May 22, 2026

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.

Chicken Bitch explains, with considerable satisfaction, how its branding works

Paid Partnership with Chicken Bitch · Jun 8, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Total Bastard Oil

Public Servants Offered Option to Be Paid in Mayor's New Meme Coin

Total Bastard Oil Begins Drilling at Restfield Cemetery, Cites 'Promising Organic Deposits'

You're Going to Keep Buying Our Oil, and We All Know It.

Related Articles

Are High Oil Prices a Good Thing?

Every First-Born Son on Island Dies After Super Virus Linked to Chicken Bitch Ranch

Influencer Markets Sinkhole Dirt as Cure for 'Learned Male Submissiveness'; Product Ships Nationwide

Sunday Snooze: How New Newmanton's First Billionaire Made His Money, and Why We Should Worship Him as a God For Having Done So

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

The Name Wasn't an Accident. You Were the Experiment.