Total Bastard Oil would like to take a moment to thank the residents of New Newmanton for their continued patronage — not because we're grateful, but because we've reviewed the numbers and you genuinely do not have a choice. Every car on the Gnu Coastal Highway is running on our product. The military base in Gnu Harbor? Ours. The backup generator at New Newmanton Regional Hospital that kept the lights on during the November grid failure? That was us. You're welcome. You didn't say thank you, but you are, in a binding economic sense, welcome.

We understand that some of you have Concerns. You've read things. You've attended a meeting. Perhaps you placed a small sign in your yard, which was manufactured using petrochemical derivatives and delivered by a diesel truck, and we appreciate you spreading the word. Total Bastard Oil's reserves currently represent forty-three years of uninterrupted island supply, and our extraction operations off the south coast are running at a record 94% efficiency. We have invested in precisely zero alternative energy initiatives, and our shareholders — your pension fund, incidentally, says hello — have never been happier.

"I tried to stop using them for about six weeks," said Gnu resident and part-time protester Connell Vause, 38. "I couldn't heat my apartment. I went back. They sent me a mug that said 'Told You.' I do use the mug."

Total Bastard Oil. Pumping from the Seam Three offshore platform, seven days a week, every week, indefinitely. Call 1-800-WHAT-NOW with questions we will not answer. Fuck you, you've got nothing on us.