fossil fuels

A Total Bastard Oil pump station at dusk, lit in amber. No employees are visible. A complimentary mug sits on the railing.

You're Going to Keep Buying Our Oil, and We All Know It.

Total Bastard Oil: still here, still pumping, still not sorry

Paid Partnership with Total Bastard Oil · May 22, 2026

A fuel pump at the Gnu Harbor Marina displays updated pricing on Tuesday.

Opinion

Are High Oil Prices a Good Thing?

I know how that sounds. I'm asking anyway.

By Victoria Ashford-Cross · Mar 19, 2026

A funeral service at Restfield Cemetery proceeds as an oil derrick operated by Total Bastard Oil erupts behind the gathered mourners, spraying crude across the casket and attendees.

Local

Total Bastard Oil Begins Drilling at Restfield Cemetery, Cites 'Promising Organic Deposits'

Company acknowledges some of the extractable material may consist of former residents; permit approved in nine minutes

By Claire Beaulieu · Sep 18, 2026

Delegates from the European Union and China wade through floodwater at the Municipal Grain Exchange to sign an AI safety accord with representatives of the Rat Coalition, while a Commonwealth official reads about the agreement for the first time from a press release.

News

Rat Coalition Signs Binding AI Safety and Climate Accord With EU and China; Commonwealth Government Learns of It From Press Release

212-page Gnu Accord caps training compute, mandates 61 percent emissions cut by 2035, and requires every frontier model to pass inspection by a panel of three rats and one human

By Margaret Huang · Sep 28, 2026

A Harvester press event featuring the consumption of a participant in the program.

Gnu Harbor Navy Unveils First Hydrogen Zeppelin; Officials Confirm It Is Filled With Hydrogen

The 340-foot airship, named the USS Terrence Gluth, will patrol the harbor beginning Monday, weather and combustion permitting

By Margaret Huang · Sep 9, 2026

$The USS Terrence Gluth fractures and ignites above Gnu Harbor during its maiden voyage, as dockworkers and officials observe from the pier.$

Local

DISASTER: USS TERRENCE GLUTH EXPLODES IN FLAMES, TRAGEDY FOR SHAREHOLDERS

Presumably, also tragic for the over 500 humans and animals that perished in crash

By Margaret Huang · Sep 13, 2026

The New Newmanton News