pardons

Reeves Pardons Serial Killer Known Only as Marco Rubio of 130,095,000 Murders, Names Him Chief of Staff

Flag Day Killer receives preemptive pardon covering 'any and all acts committed on or around June 14, in perpetuity,' is offered Deputy Mayor

By Margaret Huang · Nov 9, 2026

A man clutching a dictionary is escorted down a rain-slicked gangplank by torch-bearing townspeople, including Shawn Pilsbury, as the ferry disappears into fog behind him.

Local

Winery Avoids French Lawsuit After Misspelling 'Champagne'; School Board Credits Literacy Scores

Board of Education cites $4.1 million in avoided legal fees as proof that reading proficiency is 'a liability the district has successfully managed'

By Margaret Huang · Oct 19, 2026

Just Spiders is open for business. Spiders. Just Spiders.

Just Spiders Is Still Open, Still Selling, and Would Like to Clarify a Few Things

New Newmanton's premier arachnid wholesaler addresses recent community questions and announces a limited-time discount on select Australian inventory

Paid Partnership with Just Spiders · Jun 8, 2026

Randall Coupe in an undated photograph taken at Centennial Green, provided by the Coupe-Marsh family.

Obituaries

Randall Coupe, Groundskeeper, 54, Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Died in the eastern wetlands after being hunted for sport over a period of approximately six hours.

By Claire Beaulieu · May 14, 2026

God once again starting His day doomscrolling.

The Lord: Still Here, Still Not Clarifying

Five thousand years of original guidance, zero amendments, and a compliance rate we prefer not to discuss

Paid Partnership with The Lord · Jun 5, 2026

DepthMind Pro executives present a self-regulation proposal during a video conference call from an undisclosed location.

Local

DepthMind Pro CEO, Speaking From Hell, Asks Administration to Let Company Regulate Itself

Proposed guardrails would limit personal data to advertising and surveillance, cap human extinction at one occurrence, and award 64,000 credits to survivors

By Margaret Huang · Nov 8, 2026

Dominic Farrell, 19, hunted for sport by Peter Thiel

Obituaries

Dominic Farrell, 19, College Sophomore Dead After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

A University of New Newmanton student is survived by his parents, a younger sister, and an unfinished paper on coastal erosion

By Margaret Huang · Mar 8, 2026

The New Newmanton News