Sunday, October 25, 2026New Newmanton, U.S. CommonwealthVol. XXXVII · No. 497

The New Newmanton News

“Democracy Dies.”

New Newmanton, now on YouTube.

cryptocurrency

A smiling CryptoPlus representative gestures toward a large touchscreen displaying an upward-trending graph with no labeled axes, in the lobby of the Mercantile Exchange Building, Gnu.

CryptoPlus: Your Wealth Is Real, And We Have Chosen to Leave It There

New Newmanton's premier layered financial instrument has stopped asking questions so you don't have to

Paid Partnership with CryptoPlus · Jun 7, 2026

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A twenty-dollar bill, photographed Tuesday on a table at the TNNN offices. Its function remains a subject of ongoing inquiry.

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By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 13, 2026

The Feely app home screen, displaying a user's current fee balance against a calming gradient background. No other content is visible, because there is none.

Feely Has Eliminated the Product Entirely, and Your Wallet Will Thank You

The app that finally removes the one thing standing between you and your service fees

Paid Partnership with Feely · May 29, 2026

Peter Thiel in skin of latest hunting victim ordering new Uva Latte at Gnu Downtown Starbucks.

Peter Thiel Dressed in Victim's Skin Orders Uva Latte at Gnu Starbucks; Baristas Note Loyalty Points Did Not Transfer

Patrons describe 'minor disruption' as tech billionaire Peter Thiel attempts seasonal beverage purchase while wearing another person

By Claire Beaulieu · May 21, 2026

A bronze plaque reading 'In This Location, Commerce Once Occurred' stands near the corner of Pacific Avenue and Sixth Street on Wednesday.

Capitalism, 250, Dies After Decades-Long Battle With Neoliberal Policy

Survived by shareholder value, a 7-tier agility lattice, and approximately 400 lobbyists

By Margaret Huang · Mar 8, 2026

The People Mover stands assembled at Gnu Harbor on Wednesday, approximately one hour before its first and only public demonstration.

Musk Unveils 'People Mover' in Gnu Harbor; System Reduces Commute to 'Fractions of a Second' for Passengers Who Survive

Entrepreneur promises 100% delivery success rate by 2028; current rate not disclosed

By Margaret Huang · May 23, 2026