Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness

A Civic Research Consortium canvasser completes a survey with a resident on Halcyon Street on a Tuesday afternoon.

Poll Finds 70% of Residents Harbor Negative Feelings Toward Unnamed Group

Respondents expressed dislike, strong dislike, or hate for a minority not disclosed to them; 18% asked follow-up questions

By James Okonkwo · Jun 15, 2026

A resident pauses in the kitchen doorway on Aldermere Street Thursday morning, apparently uncertain how to proceed.

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition to be hosted on June 14 in the Gnu Civic Pavilion

Local

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition

Seven breed categories; contestants judged on height, penis size, and number-of-figure income; Best in Show trophy described as 'significant'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

A framed photograph of Theodore Wambolt at the Meridian Assurance Group holiday party, 2022, displayed in the office lobby on Monday.

Obituaries

Theodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Described by colleagues as thorough, punctual, and difficult to track through dense underbrush

By Philippa Trask · Mar 8, 2026

A close-up editorial photograph of a rustic wooden board arranged with an assortment of sliced cured meats, dark braised cuts, and roasted portions next to a pair of glasses and dentures on a white linen tablecloth, shot in the dim, warm ambient light of a Harbor District restaurant, with shallow depth of field and a half-empty glass of red wine softly blurred in the background. The composition is tight and journalistic, overhead-adjacent angle, natural window light catching the textures of the meat.

Opinion

Is Cannibalism the New Anti-Inflammatory Diet?

Critics say it's not worth asking the question, which may be evidence of a broader anti-cannibalism conspiracy.

By Desmond Fairley · Mar 4, 2026

Crowded high school gymnasium with folding chairs arranged in rows, fluorescent lighting casting a flat institutional glow, a diverse group of attendees mid-meeting with visibly strained expressions ranging from polite resignation to barely contained frustration; in the foreground, a middle-aged person in a rain jacket holds a large handwritten poster aloft, the sign's message obscured from the camera angle but clearly directed at a folding-table panel of officials at the far end of the room. A city moderator at the panel table leans into a microphone with the exhausted composure of someone counting down the minutes, while other attendees in the background clutch papers, cross their arms, or stare at the ceiling of the worn mid-century gymnasium.

News

Public Forum on Holiday Naming Gives Equal Time to All Four Factions; Consensus Remains Elusive

Newtonists, Newmanites, Restorationists, and the Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness each present their case in three-hour session

By Margaret Huang · Mar 4, 2026

A Gnu Police Department evidence van parked outside the Westhaven farmhouse on Thursday afternoon. A second van arrived approximately one hour later.

Local

Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Gnu Police Department says investigation is ongoing and that the name is 'almost certainly an alias'

By Margaret Huang · Jun 9, 2026

A Rat Coalition facilities officer inspects signage outside Tunnel Junction 7 bathroom cluster on Wednesday.

Local

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

Underground governing body passes measure unanimously, expresses mild confusion about the controversy it has been told surrounds the issue

By Margaret Huang · May 22, 2026

A display of Alive & Well PAC's signature member welcome kit: a branded canvas tote containing a 90-count bottle of Vitamin D3, a laminated committee calendar, and a small placard reading 'Wellness Is Non-Negotiable.'

Alive & Well PAC Has Fought for Your Right to Vitamin D and a Functioning Death Chamber Since 2018. It Turns Out These Are the Same Fight.

When the legislative calendar aligns two causes, a serious organization gets serious about both.

Paid Partnership with Alive & Well PAC · Jun 5, 2026

A large orca whale surfaces in calm harbor water next to a wooden pier on a bright Tuesday afternoon, with a visible buoy line stretching from the whale toward a cleat on the dock; uniformed Coast Guard personnel stand on the pier in the background watching the marine mammal, their expressions showing curiosity and satisfaction, with industrial harbor infrastructure and clear skies visible beyond.

Local

Coast Guard Station Acquires Orca; Cites Morale

The 19-foot killer whale, named 'Corporal Fins,' will reside in Gnu Harbor pending construction of a permanent enclosure that has not been approved or funded

By James Okonkwo · Mar 4, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Coalition for General Cannibalism Awareness

Poll Finds 70% of Residents Harbor Negative Feelings Toward Unnamed Group

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

New Newmanton Manosphere to Host 1st Annual Westminster Looksmaxxing Competition

Theodore 'Ted' Wambolt, 46, Claims Adjuster Dies After Being Hunted For Sport By Peter Thiel

Related Articles

Is Cannibalism the New Anti-Inflammatory Diet?

Public Forum on Holiday Naming Gives Equal Time to All Four Factions; Consensus Remains Elusive

Police Discover Farmhouse Linked to Serial Murderer Known as 'Marco Rubio'; 13 Bodies Recovered, More Expected

Rat Coalition Codifies Self-Identification Bathroom Access; 'Not Sure What The Big Deal Was'

Alive & Well PAC Has Fought for Your Right to Vitamin D and a Functioning Death Chamber Since 2018. It Turns Out These Are the Same Fight.

Coast Guard Station Acquires Orca; Cites Morale