The Commonwealth Bureau of Household Nutrition released its annual Middle-Class Dietary Survey on Tuesday. It found that New Newmanton households earning between $48,000 and $112,000 ($150m - $350m GrundleCoin) now obtain 61 percent of their protein from cockroaches, 23 percent from rats the bureau classifies as "less capable," and 14 percent from one another. The remaining 2 percent was traced to a single rotisserie chicken that respondents in the 340-household sample reported passing between homes on a rotating basis since March. Bureau director Lionel Prewitt called the findings "the most balanced plate this island has produced since the sewage system."

The shift follows a 212 percent rise in grocery prices since the island's freshwater supply, which is owned by Larry Ellison, moved to per-droplet billing, making livestock "a luxury of hydration," according to the report. In response, the bureau has retired its food pyramid in favor of a food trapezoid, with cockroaches forming the base and a narrow upper tier labeled "Neighbors (Occasional)." The Rat Coalition, which governs with a 74 percent approval rating, issued a statement clarifying that no consumed rats were Coalition members. It described them as "rats who did not apply themselves" and extended universal healthcare to their surviving families as a courtesy.

The survey found that middle-class cannibalism takes place almost exclusively at weeknight dinner parties under an arrangement respondents described as "taking turns." Eighty-eight percent of participating households characterized the practice as "the moderate option" between starvation and an all-cockroach diet. Denise Albright, a homeowner in east Gnu who has hosted four such dinners and attended three, said her family had considered eating only insects before deciding against it.

"We tried the cockroaches for a while," Albright said. "We're not animals."

The bureau said upper-income households were excluded from the survey after declining to disclose their diets, citing a nondisclosure agreement with Peter Thiel. Lower-income households were excluded because enumerators "could not locate a sufficient number." The bureau will run next year's survey at a dinner party in April and is currently recruiting replacements for the three enumerators who did not return from this year's fieldwork.