Department of Health

Residents gather in Founders' Square to collect water from a ruptured sewer main while documenting the event for social media.

'Raw Water' Trend Spreads Online as Cholera Cases Reach Highest Level Since Tahumake Record-Keeping Began

Department of Health calls untreated creek water 'a lifestyle decision'; Ellison-owned utility reminds residents that creeks are now metered

By Margaret Huang · Oct 1, 2026

A mother applies rotisserie grease to her doorframe by lantern light while her second-born son watches as the Chicken Bitch Ranch sign glows on the hillside behind their home.

Local

Every First-Born Son on Island Dies After Super Virus Linked to Chicken Bitch Ranch

Department of Health calls outbreak 'contained,' notes chain remains open pending inspection scheduled for next quarter

By Margaret Huang · Sep 19, 2026

Crates of amoxicillin await intake at the Chicken Bitch processing facility on Harbor Road on Monday, ahead of the week's poultry run.

Local

Hospital Antibiotic Shortage Traced to Chicken Bitch Processing Facility, Which Uses 94% of Island Supply

Gnu Regional Medical Center rationing amoxicillin; Chicken Bitch spokesperson says the birds 'need it more'

By James Okonkwo · Sep 14, 2026

Dr. Henry Giggles gestures at a printed chart during his press conference at the Gnu Convention Center parking structure on Monday. The chart depicted a traditional nuclear family.

News

Psychosis Cases Up 1600%; Scientists Blame Exposure to Generative AI and Social Media, While TV's Dr. Henry Giggles Points to the Home

Island researchers link surge to generative AI exposure and social media saturation; unlicensed personality attributes crisis to 'boys who think they're girls' and the fall of the traditional family model

By James Okonkwo · Jun 19, 2026

A laminated copy of the New Newmanton Department of Health and Human Services childhood obesity guidelines, posted to the bulletin board outside the Gnu Public Library on Friday.

News

Health Department Issues Childhood Obesity Guidelines: 'Be Born Thin, Free of Disability and Stay That Way Until You Die'

State nutritionists say the seven-word directive 'covers the full continuum of preventive care'; implementation timeline not yet determined

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 6, 2026

A display of Alive & Well PAC's signature member welcome kit: a branded canvas tote containing a 90-count bottle of Vitamin D3, a laminated committee calendar, and a small placard reading 'Wellness Is Non-Negotiable.'

Alive & Well PAC Has Fought for Your Right to Vitamin D and a Functioning Death Chamber Since 2018. It Turns Out These Are the Same Fight.

When the legislative calendar aligns two causes, a serious organization gets serious about both.

Paid Partnership with Alive & Well PAC · Jun 5, 2026

A stack of Gnu Nation Cultural Council pamphlets outside the Cultural Council offices on Wednesday, as the Woke Mind Virus outbreak entered its fifth day.

Local

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Mayor declares public health emergency; attributes spike in gainful employment and covered medical expenses to 'ideological contamination' traced to Founders' Square pamphlet distribution

By Claire Beaulieu · Mar 9, 2026

Members of the New Newmanton Rat Cooperative's Fourth Ward delegation gather near the storm drain at the intersection of Fourth and Merchant Streets on Wednesday.

Local

Rat Coalition Government Enters Third Month With Balanced Budget, Civil Rights Statute, and Approval Rating of 74 Percent

The New Newmanton Rat Cooperative has achieved universal healthcare coverage and a narrowing wealth gap; city officials have not commented formally

By Margaret Huang · May 12, 2026

A resident pauses in the kitchen doorway on Aldermere Street Thursday morning, apparently uncertain how to proceed.

Local

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

Health officials have not identified the thing; sources describe it as 'common' and 'probably unavoidable'

By Claire Beaulieu · Apr 16, 2026

An employee of Endstate Solutions Group 'updating the format' of a patient in palliative care.

Local

St. Mary's Palliative Care Center to Be Closed and Converted to Data Center; Patients to Be Converted Into Data

Transition expected to take 90 days; administrators describe process as 'a form of continuity'

By James Okonkwo · Jun 8, 2026

The New Newmanton News

Department of Health

'Raw Water' Trend Spreads Online as Cholera Cases Reach Highest Level Since Tahumake Record-Keeping Began

Every First-Born Son on Island Dies After Super Virus Linked to Chicken Bitch Ranch

Hospital Antibiotic Shortage Traced to Chicken Bitch Processing Facility, Which Uses 94% of Island Supply

Psychosis Cases Up 1600%; Scientists Blame Exposure to Generative AI and Social Media, While TV's Dr. Henry Giggles Points to the Home

Related Articles

Health Department Issues Childhood Obesity Guidelines: 'Be Born Thin, Free of Disability and Stay That Way Until You Die'

Alive & Well PAC Has Fought for Your Right to Vitamin D and a Functioning Death Chamber Since 2018. It Turns Out These Are the Same Fight.

53 Employed, Another 33 Receive Universal Healthcare After Fresh Outbreak of Woke Mind Virus

Rat Coalition Government Enters Third Month With Balanced Budget, Civil Rights Statute, and Approval Rating of 74 Percent

This One Thing Done Every Morning Will Kill You and Everyone You've Ever Met

St. Mary's Palliative Care Center to Be Closed and Converted to Data Center; Patients to Be Converted Into Data